Haunting hour...

Nighttime is always the worst. It's 99.97% of the time just me alone with my thoughts. I always think back to the little things. Should I have said something different, should I have done something else? I know I'm always the reason it ends, quickly or not. I must do or say something to drive them away. I just wish I knew what...

Dear NMCI, You Suck

Ok, so apparently NMCI is the devil and believes that all blog sites need to be banned. Well, ok, I understand some peole can't grasp the concept of OPSEC, but I swear I'm not one of them!!!!! I reread my last blog entry...from July...of last year. So I'll do a quick recap.

I lost about 20 pounds, managed to not die during a special duty screening, uh... tried CrossFit, didn't like it, then I got thrown back on the watch bill on a moment's notice. I was able to participate in an Honor Flight and honored both of my late grandfathers for their service. Then Thanksgiving came and went, then I went home for Christmas!! Overall, it was an awesome trip home. I did have to say a final goodbye to my dear puppy, Doc Holliday, but at least he waited until everyone was home and we'd had one last Christmas together with him. I definitely miss that dog.

Ok, so that brings me up to the New Year. Which, overall, has been pretty good. The Michigan State Spartans won the Rose Bowl (GO GREEN! GO WHITE!! GO SPARTANS!!!!), so obviously that's a good way to start things. Then for the most part, things were just good. My orders selection was chaotic and retarded, and needless to say I won't be going where I really want to go. Instead, I'll eventually be moving to Spain. I'm ok with that.

More recently, however, I've been really, REALLY hard on myself. To the point where I'm back to the self-loathing about damn near everything. The minor good news (well, maybe major)? Something out of left field shocked me back out of it. Mostly, lol. I went to dinner with a someone I've really liked for a long time Saturday night. It was awesome. We laughed non stop as usual, had a great dinner, ended up getting cheesecake (2 slices, like fat kids, haha) and just having a great night. Now, keep this in mind, I have AMAZING friends that constantly tell me I'm awesome, gorgeous, need to stop being such an asshole to myself, etc. And I only half listen to them, because I'm me. Long story short, this guy said something to me this weekend that hit all of that on the head in just three words (and no, not "I love you," saps...). Even if nothing further than having an awesome friend comes with this guy, I'll forever be grateful for him and what he did, and he probably doesn't even know it. I'll tell him someday, maybe. We all know how good I am about stuff like that. Haha!

On to the venting/angry birds edition of this post, and GO!!! I effing HATE my job right now. No, wait, I take that back...I'm about to effing hate my job. The short of it? I'm being made a work center supervisor for 2M and being put back on day staff. Look, I get it, it's kind of a big deal to be made a WCS as essentially an E-nothing in the Navy. But I'm not a big deal. I like to put my head down, get shit done, give people no reason to question what I did or how I did it. But seriously? A "good job" is all I need. I don't need this, and I REALLY don't need to be a day walker again. Granted, I'll probably lose more weight since my sleep schedule is going to be normal again, but that's neither here nor there!! Plus I just found out a few of the rumors circulating this place about me; apparently I'm a volatile, violent individual that is just going to cause problems and disrupt the day staff. SERIOUSLY?! WHERE THE F*$@ DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?! But it's ok, if they have nothing better to do than make up shit that isn't true to make themselves feel better, go for it. I know who the f*@$ I am, and if you can't deal with it, I don't give a good God damn! Ok, end rant on that one! Next!!!

I was recently put up for Blue Jacket of the Quarter by my Chain of Command (gag me...) Anyway, apparently my package made the cut, so now I have to face a formal board. I was informed of this last night, and the board is on Thursday. Which, coincidentally, is directly in the middle of two midnight shifts. Thank God for make up, I suppose. So I'll get off of work at 0530, catch a nap, get up, ensure my blues are perfect, do this board (hopefully not throw up), go home, strip, catch another nap, then be back at work by 1730 for twelve hours. Thank God for caffeine, but seriously? I don't want this anyway!! I work and bust my ass because it's who I am, not because I want that kind of recognition. But it's ok. Everyone here knows unless you belong to a certain division, you won't get it. So it works out :)

Alright, for now, that is all I have. Pretty much brought everyone up to date!! Well kids, happy reading!! Hopefully I'll be better at posting this year than I was last year. It feels good to write again... Auf Wiedersehn!!!

I'm not dead.

So I realized I haven't written a blog in what feels like forever.  Well, I'm bored and on duty, so here goes!  Honestly not a lot has happened in the past couple of months.  Nothing really worth mentioning.  I've lost about 15 lbs, gotten stronger, getting ready to deal with new orders, and in general still dealing with the same irritating issues at work.  Stressed to high heaven, as usual, but it's all good.  I'm learning to deal pretty well with stress. 

I did manage to start (and stick to) the paleo diet.  I hadn't tried it before since a co-worker said she actually gained weight on it.  Fortunately for me, it had the opposite effect.  I also quit drinking.  Granted, I wasn't much of a drinker to start with, and I've never had a problem with drinking.  But it's just empty calories that do nothing but retain water and make you fatter.  Yeah, I'm good thanks.  It's also expensive, especially around here.  I'll spend my money elsewhere, if you don't mind.  I know a lot of people are giving me hell about this, but that's their problem.  I haven't even wanted it.  The only thing I've wanted was a piece of dark chocolate, which I was unable to obtain (in all honesty, that's probably ok.) I've made a lot of adjustments and had some major results from what I'm doing.  I have zero intention of going back.  I do, however, from time-to-time, miss bread.  That's what happens when you take bread away from an Irish/German girl!!!!  I'll make some paleo bread here soon.  I want a paleo soda-bread recipe. Yum.

Anyway, that's about it.  I'll try to get back into the habit of posting here, but we'll see.  :-)

Rant

So here are a few things I've realized lately, and I've decided to let them out.  The gym only lets me relieve some of my stress, and only the physical stress.  The mental stress builds until all I hear are Eminem songs, which just add fuel to the fire... ugh.

I hate being accused of NOT doing something that I do every day.
I hate being judged.
I realize I'm going to die alone, I'm not good enough for anyone.  I'm becoming ok with this.
I hate my command.
I really wish I hadn't been born female.
Deep down, I'm extremely jealous of a few of my friends, but I love them no matter what because they are good people.
I want to be part of mobile communications more than I want to be an officer.
I want to be super model skinny, and pretty. 
I hate my body.
I'm no longer afraid of being alone.
I believe that rewards (and evaluations) should be based on job performance, not how far up someone else's ass you have shoved your head.
I hate office/military politics.  I'm not going to kiss someone's ass or get on my knees to get what I want.  I will work for it and EARN it legitimately.
I  believe in honesty.  If you can't be honest, get out of my life or I will remove you forcibly.
I was born in the wrong time-period.
I miss riding and showing horses, and having pets.

I'm done for now, that's all I can think of.  I'm sorry it's not meaningful or deep in any way, shape or form, but it's whatever.

To Be, or Not to Be?

So I realized it's been quite some time since I posted a blog.  Honestly, I feel like my life has been chaos and completely calm at the same time.  I'm currently fighting two battles; one personal, one professional (kinda). 
Professional battle:  I don't want to be a day walker again.  Which is exactly what my LPO is trying to make me.  On one hand, it will be a good opportunity for me to do my actual job (2M tech).  But on the other hand, I have to be a day walker again. As Grumpy Cat would say, "No."  Which is exactly what I want printed on a blue t-shirt that I can wear under a uniform blouse.  I don't even care that it wouldn't be in regs...  Only time is going to tell whether or not I have to go back to days, but I really don't want to!  The other professional battle is me getting my mind in the right place to write these damn essays for my OCS package.  I have no issues with the writing, it's the writing within the imposed restrictions I have a problem with.  Dear OCS package processors:  Linguists have issues with a 250 word limit.  So answering the questions is not the issue; cutting it down to size is! Oh well, I'll figure it out sooner or later.

While I mentioned a personal battle, it involves relationships, and one I don't know what to do with.  Some people just leave marks on your heart and soul that you never want to erase, and when they come waltzing back into your life you just don't know what to do.  This is also a point where the two sides of my brain are trying to beat each other with sticks, and my heart made it's decision almost two years ago.  Stupid emotions.  Eh, another mess I got myself into.  Only the answer is simple:  to be, or not to be?  Isn't that always the question. *Le sigh*

On a happy food note, if you stuff a chicken breast with just a little herb goat cheese, salt and pepper the outside and cook it in a hot cast iron skillet, then wrap beautiful stalks of aspargus in proscuitto de parma (grilling those to perfection as well), and pair with a lovely red wine, you'd have yourself an amazingly simply, fabulously delicious dinner.  I know, I've done it. Hahaha!  Until the next time... <3

You're an idiot, petty officer.

So recently, I have learned that some things never change.  I'm not going to get into that entirely, but it's a lesson I'm still learning.  My birthday is coming up, and I had  hoped to run away to somewhere, quite frankly anywhere but here.  Unfortunately, that's unlikely to happen.  Instead, I'm probably going to stick around town and get tattooed.  Eh, the ribcage only hurts for a little while, no big. 

As far as Navy life goes, I'm beginning to seriously hate it.  I'm not sure if it's just this command, or all commands, but I never thought I'd walk into the command as an ET, and leave a politician as greasy and slimy as any in Congress.  I HATE how political this is!!  You have to know who's ass to kiss, how to cut other people's throats or stab them in the back, and if you're a hard worker - well, you've already lost that EP you were hoping for.  That's going to go to the asshole that sits on their ass and does nothing but bullshit around the conference table all effing day.  Nevermind the people on the watchbill who actually, oh, I don't know, work???  No, no, if you work that must mean you're useless and trying to cover up something.  But if you sit around all day and do nothing, well then, you must have the sun shining out of your ass.  As of right now, I really don't want anything to do with the Navy.  Apparently I was expecting something different, how naive could I have been?  Well, lesson learned Navy.  You win.  I had hoped to be an officer one day, but I don't think that's going to happen.  Besides, I never would have been picked up anyway.  That packet would have required letters of recommendation I wouldn't be able to get because I don't matter here.  Only one person in my chain of command even notices those of us on the watchbill, and unfortunately I don't see him often enough to talk to him about the package.  Well, I shouldn't say that, there are really three people who see us.  But all three are day staff, and the schedule we're on is chaotic by comparison. 

My other big complaint is the fact one of the chief's here freaked out on us about fraternization.  Thanks to the actions of a few morons that need to be smacked, we were informed we cannot hang out with ANYONE from here.  Even if we're of the same rank.  Granted, that doesn't stop people, there are even romantic relationships going on between members of the same divisions. But I've realized that I'm not one of those people that could get away with it.  Hell, I get threatened with Captain's Mast for simple mistakes.  In my mid-term review, I was told that it's ok to make mistakes, as long as they weren't intentionally made with any detriment in mind.  Now I'm being told no, you must be perfect or you're in trouble.  UGH! How the hell am I supposed to keep up with what these people want?!  It's not like the watchbill gets an email saying, "hey, this week, everything we expected of you last week is now mastable, and we have new standards."  I'm back to not wanting to troubleshoot anything for fear of making a mistake or being wrong.  It's not worth going to mast over.  But at the same time, if I don't do something, I get sent to mast for derilection of duty.  WTF DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!  It's really bad when you feel like the red-headed step child of the red-headed step child division of the red-headed step child command. I just want out of the area for a while, maybe that will help my disposition, though I doubt it.  I don't need another episode like Savannah.  That was more than enough.  Plus it's not like I can get out of the Navy, I have nowhere to go, no job prospects of any kind.  If I were prettier, skinnier I could have married rich years ago and still be riding horses and doing what I wanted.  But yeah, no.  Instead, I'm going to whine and bitch about the choices I made.  Well played, idiot, well played.  Proof a college degree does NOT mean you're an intelligent human being.  You were just dumb enough to thing you're smart.  Dumbass....

I only have two things today: Fuck men, and fuck Valentine's day.  That is all.